Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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