Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
