actually, I'm a sock model
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
