ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
