Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
