Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
