Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
