I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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