I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
