I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
