Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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