if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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