Umm I'm too high to move.
You're completely useless in the revolution.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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