i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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