I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Boobs are out for the taking
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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