bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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