no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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