when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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