Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
