i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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