I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
