For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
