I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
