I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
