I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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