Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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