dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
never play flip cup with pint glasses
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
