I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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