Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
