And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Bring me that man meat
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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