I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you win again, gameday.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
