I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
