I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
