The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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