Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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