can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i just sent this text using only my big toe
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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