So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
