well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
