i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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