Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
