Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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