I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
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