those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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