lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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