...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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