I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
