i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
