I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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