At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
