I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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