tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
