I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
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He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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