How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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