If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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