So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
