the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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