I accidentally had phone sex last night
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
